Her Loss
by Topsy
Summary: A life altering event affects Olivia and she turns to Elliot for help.
1. Chapter One

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December 15, 2004

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**This story takes place sometime in the short future. Kathy and Elliot's divorce is final and Elliot is now living in his own apartment in the city.**

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Olivia sat in the bathroom of her apartment, her shaking hand covering her mouth as she sat on the edge of the bathtub in shock. Her other shaking hand was holding a small plastic stick that she stared at unwaveringly. Oh God, was all she could think, over and over. Finally she closed her eyes and as she did a salty tear created a small river down the soft curve of her cheek.

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The next day Olivia walked into work quietly, smiling only slightly at Elliot as she took a seat.

"Good morning," he said and stared at her.

"Morning," she replied softly. He studied her for a moment, concerned.

"Would you like me to get you some coffee?" He asked. She looked up and shook her head quickly.

"No thanks," she said and reached for a file on her desk. Elliot tilted his head slightly.

"You okay, Liv?"

"Mmhmm, fine," she murmured and didn't look up at him. He watched her for a few more seconds before he shrugged his bulky shoulders and looked back down at his desk. Okay then, he thought.

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Later that morning Elliot glanced up from his paperwork again and looked at Olivia. She was leaning with her elbow on the desk and was pinching the bridge of her nose. Her eyes were closed and her brows were furrowed and she just looked quite pitiful.

"Liv," Elliot said quietly and reached across the desk. He didn't touch her, but he placed his hand, palm facing up, on her desk. She looked up quickly and dropped her arm into her lip. "Let's go get something to eat," he said. She shook her head.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to get out of here for a little while, c'mon." He tried his best winning smile. "My treat." She sighed and then nodded slightly. "Good girl," he murmured and she didn't even have the energy to roll her eyes at him.

They decided to just walk to the café they frequented because it was close by and cheap. After they had sat down outside and placed their orders, Elliot turned to her. He studied her for a moment, noticing the dark circles surrounding her eyes and the tiredness etched in the lines of her face.

"Liv, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, Elliot." He sighed.

"I know that this is going to get me a swift kick in the balls if I say this, but I have to. You look like death, Olivia." She snorted and leaned back in her chair.

"Thanks for the pick-me-up, El," she said and looked away. He reached across the table and placed his hand in front of her again.

"Talk to me," he said quietly. She looked at him and met his gaze. He could see a war of sorts raging inside of her. He knew she hated leaning on anyone, but he also knew that he was her best friend, the one she did talk to. Olivia closed her eyes quickly because she couldn't stand the sympathy she saw floating in his. Her chin quivered and he sat back quickly, surprised. It was a rare occasion for him to see her cry, especially in public.

"I can't do this here, not now," she whispered without opening her eyes.

"Okay," he said quietly. "I won't ask you about it right now." She finally opened her eyes and he could see the tears swimming there. "Tonight, after work, let me drop you off at your place, okay? We can talk then," he said. She stared at him for a moment and then blinked rapidly as she swallowed hard. "Okay?" He repeated. She met his gaze and then she nodded once.

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As soon as they got back from lunch, Cragen sent them to an apartment where a woman's body had been found. She had possibly been raped. Olivia wished they hadn't gotten this assignment, not today, but there was nothing she could do about it. She didn't want to alert the captain that anything was going on with her. She sighed and followed Elliot to their car.

They arrived on the scene and before they even stepped in to the room, Olivia could feel the smell of death smack her in the face.

"Oh God," she moaned and slowly followed Elliot in to the bedroom where the woman's body had been found on the floor. She reached into her pocket for a tissue she hoped was still there. She covered her face and looked over Elliot's shoulder at the body.

"I'd say she's been dead about a week," Elliot said and made a face. One of the officers who had been first on the scene came over.

"Neighbors reported a strange smell coming from the room. Landlady says that she hasn't seen Miss Jenkins for a few days but that doesn't necessarily mean much 'cause she didn't show her face too often."

"Live alone?" Elliot asked. The officer nodded and Elliot nodded in return and then bent down over the body after quickly covering his nose. God, it was wrank. Elliot looked over his shoulder for his partner and saw her standing a few feet back with her tissue over her nose. She wasn't looking at the body.

"Benson?" He asked and she glanced at him quickly. Then she shook her head violently and raced back out the door. Elliot watched her go, surprised and confused. He wanted to follow her, but he had his job to do, for both of them now.

Olivia ran down the steps as quickly as she could manage and pushed out of the building. She took a big gulp of the fresh air and then plopped down onto the steps. She leaned forward and put her head between her knees.

"Oh man," she muttered quietly to herself. She took several small gulps of air in a row, trying to calm her rolling stomach.

"You okay?" Someone asked from above her. She looked up to find an officer looking down at her. Olivia nodded.

"Yeah," she said.

"You never get used to that smell," the woman officer said and then took a seat beside Olivia.

"That's the first time I've had a problem with it since I made myself sick over my very first body," Olivia said. The officer smiled.

"It happens to the best of us. I'm Officer Jennifer Michaels by the way," the woman said. Olivia smiled.

"Detective Olivia Benson," Olivia replied and then leaned her forehead against her knees. She wasn't quite up to par just yet.

"I came down to get a little air myself," Officer Michaels said quietly. Olivia tried to smile. "The smell somehow makes the entire case seem worse; dirtier." Olivia nodded and wished the woman would leave her alone. She hated being bothered when she was showing weakness and she hated making small talk, especially over the job.

"I'm going to try and walk this off," Olivia said and tried her best to smile politely. "Nice meeting you." The officer smiled back at her as Olivia stood up and walked away. She placed her hands on her hips and took another deep breath of air. She walked down the sidewalk and then back halfway before she turned around and did it again. On her fourth trip back, she saw Elliot come out of the building and look around for her. When their eyes met, she smiled weakly at him and walked towards him.

"You okay?" He asked and took her elbow, leading her to the car. She smiled.

"Later," she said and shook her head. He frowned at her, but nodded.

"Let's go," he said.

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Later that night, Olivia, Elliot, and Cragen stood around the desks in the bullpen.

"We've got some samples in the lab and the body's with the M.E.'s office. It's getting late, so we for sure won't get anything back til at least tomorrow, if not later," Elliot told Cragen. Cragen nodded.

"Alright, that looks to be about all you can do for the night. Head out, get some sleep. See you in the morning," he said and turned to walk to his office.

"Ready?" Elliot asked as he turned to Olivia. She nodded even though she really just wanted to run and hide. She didn't really want to have this conversation with him, but she knew she had to. She walked to her locker to get her coat.

The cab ride to her apartment was silent. Elliot knew she wouldn't talk about anything in front of the cab driver and he also knew she wasn't in the mood to talk about small talk, so he just remained quiet until they arrived at her place.

After they shut the door to her apartment behind them, Elliot slid out of his coat and hung it on the rack she had inside of the door. He helped her out of her coat and hung it beside his.

"Want anything to drink?" Olivia asked. Elliot shrugged.

"I'm fine," he said. She walked to the kitchen and he followed behind her.

"I'm getting a glass of water for myself, you sure you don't want anything?"

"Uh, I'll take a glass, too, then." He sat down at the kitchen table as he watched her pull two glasses down from the cupboard. He waited until she had poured the water and was sitting across from him at the kitchen table before he said anything. "So…" He trailed off. Olivia looked down at the glass she had in her hands.

"Something happened a few weeks ago," she said. Elliot's eyebrows rose. She had acted fine the past few weeks, up until a few days ago, and namely today.

"Okay," he said softly, prompting her to continue.

"I…" She paused and met his eyes. He could sense the nerves dancing in the air. "You're not going to approve," Olivia whispered. His brows drew together in confusion.

"Of?" He asked. Olivia hung her head and swallowed hard.

"Three weeks ago I picked up a guy in a bar," she said and lifted her head to watch is reaction. She saw his jaw harden slightly, but he made no other move. She sighed. "I was just… I just needed to escape for a little while," she said softly. "So I went for some drinks and for some sex," Elliot cut her off.

"Why? What was bothering you?" He asked. She looked at him and couldn't bear to tell the truth. She shrugged.

"I don't know." She lifted her shoulders. "Just, everything, the job… Life." Elliot watched her closely. He sensed something else but she wasn't telling. "I went back to his apartment with him."

"Christ, Liv," Elliot said and pushed away from the table to stand up and pace the kitchen. "Do you know how unsafe that is?"

"I'm not a child, Elliot. I'm a grown woman. I'm a cop. I knew what I was doing," she said.

"You were drinking," he stated flatly as he stopped to stare at her. She nearly winced under his gaze. No wonder perps were so intimidated by him.

"Yes, I was drinking. I was also there with the sole purpose of finding someone to fuck," she said hotly. Elliot threw his hands into the air and turned around.

"Did you at least have the sense to use a condom?" He growled out, still not facing her. Olivia's stomach dropped heavily then. And there you have it.

"Yes, actually." She paused. "But that's what I need to talk to you about." He turned to face her. She stared at him for a moment and then pleaded with him. "Please sit down, Elliot, you're making me…" She stopped.

"What?" He asked. She nearly squirmed.

"Please sit," she whispered. He sighed and dropped into his chair. "We used a condom," she said very quietly. "But I guess it didn't work." Olivia wouldn't meet his gaze. Elliot was silent, shocked.

"What?" He paused and when she didn't answer he continued. "What does that mean? Did he give you something, because…" Elliot trailed off. Because what? What the hell would he do about it? Elliot stared at her.

"In a way, yes," she said and finally met his gaze. "I'm pregnant, El," she said and then burst into tears. Elliot froze and then stared at her, shocked. Oh my God, he thought. Oh shit.

"Liv, okay, it's okay," he murmured and slid out of his chair to kneel in front of her. She shook her head and sobbed quietly.

"Elliot, I don't even know his name," she said and dropped her chin to her chest. He pulled her up from her chair and wrapped his arms around her. She buried her face into his chest and clung to him for dear life as the sobs ripped out of her. He rubbed her back gently and laid his cheek against her head.

"Well, you were at his apartment, you can find out who he is," Elliot said. She let out another loud sob and shook her head.

"I don't know where it is," she said quietly.

"What?"

"I was… I don't know, I was drunk. We took a cab and I didn't pay attention when he gave the address. When I left I hailed a cab and I dozed the whole way home," she said. Elliot pulled her away and looked at her. She could feel his angry gaze on her face and she knew he was pissed.

"Olivia, I don't…" He stopped. "I don't understand how you… You're a cop, for God's sake!" He exclaimed. Her face crumpled again. His anger wasn't helping her cope, so she pulled away from him and walked towards the living room. He followed her and sighed. "Look, Liv, I'm sorry." He put his hand on her shoulder. "Okay? I'm sorry. I'm just… It upsets me that you would do something like that. I've worried about my children all this time, trying to protect them, hoping they wouldn't do something stupid. You're a cop and you know the dangers out there." He stopped again. "Okay." He held up his hand. "What's done is done, you're… you're not hurt or dead." He stopped.

"No, but I'm pregnant," she whispered. "That's still something." She turned away from him, not wanting him to see her shame. She was a grown woman, for heaven's sake. It had been her choice and she had known what she was getting in to. They had used a condom. It wasn't her fault that it broke.

"God, Elliot," Olivia pushed her hand through her hair and then crossed her arms under her breasts. "How the hell am I supposed to do this?" She turned back around and let the tears slide from her eyes openly. "How can I take care of this baby? How can I be someone's mother?" Elliot rubbed his hand on her upper arm.

"You can," he said softly.

"I'm a cop, El. You had Kathy to take care of the kids, primarily. Can you imagine if you had to do it alone? And you have other family members to help you out. I'm all alone," she whispered the last bit.

"You're not alone," Elliot said and tilted her chin up with his hand. "I will help you." She shook her head.

"But I am alone. El, you're not this baby's father. And when we're at work what am I going to do with it?"

"We'll figure something out," he said quietly.

"No, I'll figure something out," she said and stared at him.

"I will help you, Liv."

"You're not responsible."

"Maybe you should try and find the father." Olivia's lips lifted slightly in an ironic smile.

"If I wanted to," she said. Elliot stared at her.

"You don't want to?" She shook her head.

"Why should I? He didn't mean to get himself into this anymore than I did."

"You didn't do it alone, Liv. Just because you're carrying your child doesn't mean that it's not just as equally his. His child and his responsibility." Elliot stared down at her. She pulled away and began to pace the living room. She shoved her hand through her hair again.

"My mother did it alone, I can too," she said. Elliot sighed.

"You don't want to do that to your own child," he said. She looked at him.

"How the hell do you know what I want?" She yelled. He sighed.

"You always wonder about your father. You know he's a monster, but you always wonder. Do you really want to leave your child wondering, too? You don't know anything about this man. You don't even know his name. Do you want to do that to your kid?" Elliot argued, angry with her. Olivia sighed. Elliot was such a good man. Responsible. She knew he took on the weight of his children as much as he could. He thought all fathers should be as big a part of their children's lives as much as he was with his children. But Olivia knew better. That's not how it worked, not nearly often enough.

"I'll think about it," Olivia lied, hoping it would calm him for the moment. He nodded, but didn't really believe her. He just knew he shouldn't argue with her like this.

"So, how did you know?" He asked quietly, shifting back into concerned Elliot mode. She sighed.

"I just felt wrong." She paused. "I got sick a couple times and then my period was two days late. That's not normal, because I'm as regular as clockwork. And I was already suspecting something, so I took a test." She sighed. "I bought another one to double check."

"Is that what happened this morning? At the Jenkins apartment?" Olivia nodded wearily and then walked to the couch and dropped down on it. She sat back and sighed.

"The smell just… got to me. More than normal," she said. He nodded, understanding. He sat down beside her.

"What are you going to do about work?" Olivia looked at him. "When are you going to tell everyone?" Olivia sighed.

"I don't know, I guess I wanted to wait a while," she said and before he could say anything, she barreled on. "I know that… If Cragen knew, he'd put me on desk duty or something like that, and I don't… I can make my decisions on this, Elliot. If something is going to potentially put my life, this baby's life, in seriously threatening danger… I'll back down. If we know something could happen, I will speak up, because not only is my life on the line, but so is yours. I'm your partner, I've got your back and if I can't go in there and back you up because of this, I will make sure that someone else can back you up. If it comes to that, I'll tell the captain." Elliot sighed, not really happy with that, but he knew it was her choice and she was firm about it.

"I don't know how long that will work, Liv," he said. She shrugged.

"Any time I can have is good enough. I won't get… fat for awhile, so I don't have to say anything until then. But I probably will, I just need some time, okay?" Elliot nodded. "I needed to figure this out for me." Elliot reached over and folded her hand into his. He squeezed it gently.

"I just have to work on not dropping any hints on accident," she said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, this morning you asked me if I'd like some coffee and I said no because it's caffeinated. But if I do that every day, decline coffee, somebody's going to catch on." Elliot chuckled.

"Your mind works like a detective," he grinned.

"We work with a bunch of detectives who are trained to pick up on details, so you can't be too safe," she said. He chuckled.

"Well, why don't you start drinking tea or something? You can bring your own and tell people you're giving up coffee for whatever reason and then it'll be fine," he said. She shrugged.

"Good point. But I might cry every morning when I don't get that added boost of energy," she said. "Either that or murder anyone who comes across my path." He chuckled.

"I'll be sure to watch out," he joked. They sat silently for a few moments before she spoke again.

"Elliot?" She asked softly, her voice watery. He glanced at her and saw the tears hovering on her eyelids. He smiled sadly and pulled her into his arms.

"It's okay, Liv, it's going to be alright."

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	2. Chapter Two

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December 15, 2004

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This gets a little graphic in some places, and I don't even mean sexually.

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Olivia stood in the bathroom of her apartment, staring at herself in the mirror. She was ready for work and was going to leave in about five minutes, but she had caught herself in the bathroom again. Always watching her body. Sometimes she felt as if she'd wake up one morning and automatically just be the size of a house. It was hard for her to process a gradual growing of her stomach. She sighed and looked at her stomach through her shirt. She was only about six weeks pregnant and she knew she wasn't going to start growing for weeks to come, but she was still paranoid about someone at work noticing.

She turned sideways and untucked her shirt before lifting it to expose her stomach. She looked in the mirror and knew that there was nothing. Flat as normal, she thought and gently cradled her flat belly with the palm of her hand. She sighed and shook herself out of her reverie. She tucked her shirt back in and headed to the kitchen for her morning glass of orange juice.

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Olivia dropped into her desk at work and smiled at Elliot. "Good morning," she said. He smiled and looked over his shoulder quickly before lowering his voice.

"How do you feel?" He asked. She smiled and rolled her eyes at him. Every morning, like clock work, he asked her that.

"Same as yesterday morning," she replied. "And the day before that, and the day before that." She smirked at him.

"Alright, fine," he smiled. "See if I care."

"Benson. Stabler." Cragen walked out of his office. "Got a call for you."

"Already?"

"I just got here," Olivia said. Cragen smiled slightly.

"Someone found a body in Central Park this morning during their morning jog," Cragen said. Olivia shrugged back into her coat.

"We're on it," Elliot said.

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"Really, Liv, how do you feel?" Elliot asked in the car on the way to the park.

"Elliot, I'm fine, I swear," she replied and looked at him softly. He is such a good friend, she thought.

"I just want to be sure, 'cause I know you don't have anyone there with you. Nobody to help you with morning sickness and whatever," he said. She shrugged.

"El, I told you, I don't get sick that often," she said.

"Yeah, yeah, but still. I told you I would help out, so I'm doing my part."

"By worrying?" She asked and smiled slightly at him. He nodded.

"Somebody has to," he said.

"I don't need you to baby-sit me, Elliot."

"I'm not! I'm just being a friend," he replied. She smiled and reached over to pat his knee.

"I know. And thank you, I really do appreciate it." They smiled at each other before continuing to the park in comfortable silence.

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Two days later, Olivia and Elliot sat in their car on a stakeout. The body in the park had led them to a well-known drug dealer and so they were watching an apartment that he apparently frequented.

Suddenly Olivia caught a movement out of the corner of her eye. "Hey, what is that?" She asked and pointed to the movement in the alley. Elliot squinted and followed her finger.

"Looks like someone is struggling," he said. Olivia sighed.

"Think we should break it up?" Suddenly a gunshot blasted through the air and they rushed out of the car.

"I guess so," Elliot said and they pulled their guns. "Olivia, you should stay here," he said, but figured it was useless. She shook her head firmly.

"I'm coming with you, you need back up," she said.

"Well stay behind me," he said firmly as he rushed to the alley way. They saw a man lying on the ground with a bullet hole in his chest. "There he goes!" Elliot exclaimed, just as Olivia bent and checked for a pulse.

"No pulse," she shouted as Elliot took off down the back of the alley. She started running to catch up.

"Stay back, Olivia, he has a gun," Elliot yelled over his shoulder as he rounded the corner. No shit, Sherlock, she thought to herself and followed him around the corner anyway. She came to a screeching halt when she saw the dead end and the man aiming his gun at Elliot. The gun wobbled as he aimed it at Olivia when she came around the corner.

"God dammit, Liv," Elliot muttered. "Drop your weapon!" Elliot yelled, his heart pounding hard in his chest. I'll be damned if she gets shot while I'm with her, he thought to himself. "Put the gun down!" He yelled firmly. Olivia and he both held the guns in their hands tightly, aimed directly at the man's chest. His gun wavered back and forth between Olivia and Elliot.

"Drop the gun," Olivia said more calmly to the man.

"You drop yours!" He exclaimed and aimed the gun back at her. Damn you, Liv, Elliot thought and gritted his teeth.

"Hey!" Elliot shouted and the man jerked the gun back to him. Elliot tried to shift slowly so he was in front of Olivia. She sighed and stood her ground, shifting just slightly so that her gun wasn't aimed at the back of Elliot's head.

"There's nothing you can do at this point," Olivia said quietly but firmly.

"You don't want to add shooting a police officer on top of this," Elliot said quietly. The man stared them down, eyes darting from one of them to the other. Finally after what felt like hours, he lowered the gun. He held out his hands and dropped the gun to the ground.

Before the guy could think, Elliot was all over him. Olivia rushed forward and slapped the cuffs on him as she read him his rights.

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"Jesus Christ, Liv, I told you to stay back!" Elliot exclaimed as soon as they got in the car to drive back to the station.

"I told you I would have your back at all times, no matter what," she argued. He sighed.

"You're pregnant, Liv, you have more than one life at stake when you do that!"

"And you don't think I know that?" She asked. "In that situation, I had three lives at stake! Yours, firstly because I'm your partner and that's my job. The life growing inside of me, and lastly my life because it is a vital part of my child's life at this point of the game. But I can't leave you hanging!" She exclaimed. He sighed.

"This has to stop, Olivia." She sighed and dropped her head back against the seat. She waited a few seconds before speaking softly.

"I will request a meeting in the morning, okay?" She said and absently rubbed a hand over her stomach because there was a small cramp plaguing her. "I don't have the energy to do it tonight, is that okay, sir?" She asked him and raised his eyebrows. He sighed.

"I just want you both to be safe," Elliot said. She smiled slightly.

"I know, I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"No, I'm sorry I yelled. I know you understand the risks," he said. "I guess I just… I thought about Kathy and when she was pregnant with our kids and I never would have let her do something like that."

"I'm not Kathy, for one thing. Secondly, I'm not your wife. And thirdly, I'm a cop and it's my job to do what we did today and I know what my limit is. I reached it today, so I'm calling a meeting tomorrow," she said. He nodded and reached over to squeeze her hand.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry." He smiled. "I'm not the boss of you." She laughed then and cradled her stomach in her hand again.

"You okay?" Elliot asked, noticing the movement of her hand. She looked down quickly, unaware that she had done that.

"Oh, yeah, just a little cramp," she said. "Nothing big." He immediately got a worried look on his face.

"Liv," he said but she held up a hand.

"I'm a big girl, Elliot. And I'm fine." She smiled at him. He sighed and shook his head.

"I know, I know. Sorry," he said and he patted her knee again. They smiled at each other as they pulled up to the station.

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"Captain, could I talk to you for a minute?" Olivia asked as she knocked on Cragen's door. He nodded.

"Sure, what can I do for you?" He asked and she walked into his office, shutting the door behind her. His eyebrows scrunched together in surprise.

"I was just wondering if I could call a meeting tomorrow morning," she said.

"A meeting?"

"Yeah, with you, John, Fin, Elliot, and myself," she said. "At least."

"What's this about?"

"Actually, I'd rather just… do that tomorrow," she said. He stared at her.

"Everything okay?" He asked. She smiled.

"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. I'd just rather do it all at once when everyone is here," she said. He nodded.

"Alright, that's fine with me. When you get here in the morning, we'll do that," he said. She smiled.

"Thanks Don," she said. He smiled.

"Sure thing. Now get out of here, you need your rest," he said. She smiled and thanked him.

"See ya tomorrow," she said. He nodded.

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Olivia hailed a cab and climbed inside. She gave the cabbie her address and then sat back in the seat with a wince. She laid her hand on her stomach as the cramps she felt earlier started to escalate. She nibbled her bottom lip worriedly.

When she got home, she pulled off her jacket and threw it aside. She kicked her shoes off and walked to the restroom. She ran a brush through her hair lightly and then unbuckled her belt. She pulled it off and dropped it onto the floor as she thought about the things that sucked about being pregnant. Like not being able to have caffeine. God sometimes she just needed a shot of it to get her going in the morning. Sometimes she felt groggy clear through until lunch and she hated that. She hated feeling sluggish on the job. Then again, the sluggishness could be due to the pregnancy anyway.

She sighed as she sat on the toilet to relieve her bladder. She rolled her head back and rubbed her neck gently. She stretched a little and then reached down for some toilet paper. On the way to reaching for it, her arm froze in midair.

"Oh God," Olivia murmured quietly. There was blood in her underwear. "Oh man," she said softly and rubbed a hand over her face as she just stared at it. She felt her chin start to tremble as tears gathered in her eyes and she had to stop for a moment to gather herself. She reached for the toilet paper and cleaned up, nearly letting out a sob when she saw more blood. She reached for a pad under the cupboard and she slipped it on quickly. She stood up and grabbed her belt, slipping it back on. She had to get to the hospital, she thought, even though she desperately didn't want to do that. But if she wasn't having a miscarriage, she needed to be fixed. If she was, well, she'd rather do it at home alone, but she couldn't risk the fact that maybe it was something else that could be fixed.

After she grabbed her jacket and her purse she stopped for a moment before she opened the door to collect herself. She sent up a quick prayer to the God she didn't believe in before she opened the door quickly and walked out.

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"Stabler," Elliot said as he put his phone to his ear.

"El," he heard Olivia's voice say softly on the other line.

"Liv?" He asked. "You okay?"

"Could you come over to my apartment?" Olivia asked.

"Olivia, what's wrong?" He asked again, his heart starting to pound.

"I need you to come over," she said, her voice stiff and flat.

"Okay, alright. I'll be there as soon as I can," he said and hung up the phone. He reached for his jacket and keys and was out the door just like that.

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Elliot pounded on Olivia's door.

"Liv, it's me, open up!" He exclaimed. He could hear her on the other side so he waited, rather impatiently, for her to open the door. When she did, he was shocked by what he saw. She was wrapped up in a huge sweatshirt and sweatpants with thick socks on her feet and a shawl wrapped around her shoulders.

"Liv?" She stepped aside to let him in. She's like a ghost, he thought to himself. "Olivia, tell me what is wrong," he said and took her shoulders into his hands.

"I… need to sit down," she said. He immediately led her to the couch and sat beside her.

"What is going on?"

"When I got home from work," she paused and stared at him, her face as pale as death and her eyes dark and wide. "There was blood in my underwear," she whispered it. His heart dropped to his stomach.

"Oh, Liv," he murmured and gathered her icy hands up in his.

"I was worried that maybe I was having a miscarriage, but I wasn't sure, ya know? I mean, I've never been pregnant before, so I went to the hospital. 'Cause I thought maybe if I wasn't having a miscarriage, they could fix me up, you know, make the bleeding stop or whatever." She paused and looked down at their bundle of hands. He rubbed them gently, trying to warm them. Her voice lowered to another whisper. "They said that the baby was probably… had probably been dead for a week," she said softly.

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry," he said and reached for her. She let him hug her, but she was too numb to hug him back.

"The baby was dead for a week, El, and I had no clue," she said and shuddered. "I was a walking grave and I didn't know it. How did I not know? Why didn't I feel something?" She asked, her voice cracking.

"You can't know these things, Liv," he assured her and rubbed a hand down her back.

"I'm a cop, I should have felt the death or something," she muttered. He shook his head and rocked her gently.

"No, Liv, that's not how it works, not with things like this," he murmured and brushed a kiss across her temple.

"Oh God, El, I lost it," she said and suddenly her arms wrapped around him tightly. He held on to her as she let the grief-ridden sobs wrack her body.

Ten minutes later she was asleep in his arms. He wasn't sure what to do. He knew he wasn't going to leave her here alone, but he didn't want to put her in her own bed, either, because when she woke up, he didn't want her to think he had left her alone. He didn't want her to be alone. He shifted slightly, lying her back against the couch. He got up and went into her room. He gathered up a blanket from her bed and walked back to the living room. He lay it gently over her and then settled himself onto the floor. He turned the television on and put it on mute. He could watch the news and the sports without the sound, they usually had enough bulletins running along the bottom for him to figure things out anyway.

-----&-----&-----&-----

Olivia woke a few hours later on the couch, quite disoriented about what had gone on. She saw the blue flickering of the television against the ceiling, so she turned her head to look at it. She saw the back of Elliot's head leaning against the couch and instantly everything hit her in the gut. The baby, she thought and laid her hand on her empty belly. She squeezed her eyes shut as the tears gathered in them again.

She lay still for a few moments, indulging herself in a silent cry. When she was finished, she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the couch. The movement and the noise jarred Elliot awake from his light slumber.

"Sorry," Olivia whispered. He looked up at her and the glanced at the clock.

"Must've fallen asleep," he muttered and pulled himself up onto the couch. He reached over to touch her cheek gently with the back of his fingers.

"You okay?" He asked. She smiled slightly and held his hand against her cheek.

"Thank you for coming over," she murmured. He nodded.

"Anytime," he said quietly. She sighed. He reached around and rubbed his hand over her back gently.

"I asked the doctor if I had the miscarriage because of today," she murmured. Elliot listened to her silently. "That's when she told me that it had probably died a week ago… Because it was so small, under developed, she said." She scrubbed her hand over her face. "She said that nothing I could have done could have prevented anything. Sometimes these things just happen for no reason," she repeated the words of her doctor softly. "I was so worried that it was me, the job. After all of your lecturing, I thought for sure that I had fucked up somehow," she said and shook her head.

"You didn't do anything wrong," Elliot murmured. She nodded, but deep down didn't believe it. Her chin trembled.

"I keep thinking that I didn't want it enough, ya know?" Elliot shook his head and pulled her close.

"No, Liv, you're wrong."

"I just… It was an accident, I didn't mean to get pregnant. And I can't honestly say I was enthusiastic about it at first between the job and being a single parent. I mean, I never really thought about having kids because I was never with anyone that long. If I had been, maybe I would've had kids, but with the way my life was going, I didn't expect I would ever have any. And I was fine with that because of the job. There are so many things we see every day and you have to raise your children with those things on your mind. I never had to worry about that on top of the job itself." Olivia wiped a tear away from her cheek as it fell. "Plus, with my parental background, I was never rushing to be a parent anyway," she said with an ironic laugh. Elliot nuzzled her temple slightly and rubbed a hand over her arm.

"But I did want that baby, El," she murmured with a voice thick with tears.

"I know you did," he said quietly.

"God, I don't know what I'm going to do," she said softly. "Ugh, I asked Cragen for a meeting yesterday and in the morning I guess I'll have to follow through." She paused. "What am I going to say?"

"It's up to you," Elliot replied quietly. "You should maybe take a day or two off. Maybe you could just tell Cragen and only him. You can cancel the meeting and if you want, let him know what you were going to say." Olivia shook her head then.

"No… I should just be honest. You know, and Cragen, Munch, and Fin have the right to know. But I don't know if I want to take a day off," she said.

"You know Cragen will send you home," he said.

"Maybe I can just get desk duty," she murmured. "I can't be home alone right now, not doing anything. It will drive me crazy." Elliot nodded and continued to hold her against him. She sighed. "I'm tired," she murmured quietly. Before he could say anything, she continued. "Elliot, would you stay?" She asked and looked up at him. He stared at her for a moment and then he nodded.

"If you want me to," he said.

"I don't want to send you home this late and," she paused, "It'd be nice to know you're here." He smiled and kissed her temple gently.

"No problem, I'll stay on the couch." She smiled.

"Thank you, Elliot. For everything."

-----&-----&-----&-----

The next morning when Olivia and Elliot walked in to the station, Cragen came out of his office.

"Olivia, I know you wanted," he stopped when Olivia cut him off.

"Yeah, Don, could I have a little pow-wow with you, Elliot, John, and Fin in your office, please?" She asked. He raised his eyebrows slightly.

"Sure, yeah, that's okay." He looked at the three men. They all nodded and shrugged before crowding into Cragen's office. Elliot put a hand on the small of Olivia's back and Fin and Munch raised their eyebrows at each other. They came in together and now Elliot was handling her. It definitely raised Munch's suspicions.

"Sit, Liv," Elliot murmured gently. She sighed at him but took a seat anyway as the three guys stood around her.

"What's up?" Cragen asked. Olivia smiled and looked down at her hands.

"Elliot knows everything that I'm about to tell you," Olivia paused, "But that doesn't make this any easier." Munch raised his eyebrows.

"What?" Fin asked, worried about her now. She sighed and looked up. They were all surprised to find her eyes wet with tears. Elliot stood behind her and massaged her shoulder gently with one hand.

"I did something pretty stupid almost… seven weeks ago," Olivia said. "And when I told Elliot about it three or four weeks ago, he got pissed, so I'm expecting nothing less from you," she said with a half-hearted grin. She didn't see Elliot shake his head behind her in warning to the other men. They understood it for what it was; don't get upset yet, let her finish.

Olivia looked up at all of them. "I went out drinking and picked up a random guy at a bar. I went back to his apartment and I… slept with him," she said quietly and continued to stare at them all. She is so unaware of the strength inside of her, Elliot thought silently to himself. Cragen's brow lifted and he rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. Fin just pursed his lips and waited for her to continue on. Munch looked the most sympathetic, or rather the least upset.

"It happens," Munch said quietly. Her eyes flickered to his and then she smiled slightly and nodded her head once.

"Elliot reminded me of the risks and I'm aware of them, so there's no use going back down that road again," she said and then shrugged. "But that's besides the point. That's not why I asked for this meeting."

"Okay, go on," Cragen said.

"I got pregnant," she said and held up a hand quickly. "Before you say anything, yes, we used a condom. I wasn't that drunk and I'm not that stupid. Apparently it just didn't work."

Fin and Munch just stared and Cragen rubbed his eyes hard with the palm of his hands.

"So," Cragen said. "What do you need?" He dropped his hands to look at her. She smiled sadly.

"There's more."

"More?" Fin asked. She nodded then she lifted her chin strongly.

"Last night I had a miscarriage," she stated simply.

"Oh, man," Fin said and shook his head.

"Olivia," Cragen held out his palm and she knew he meant to comfort her, he just didn't have the words.

"It happens," Munch said quietly again. Olivia nodded and then her chin trembled again. A tear slid down her cheek.

"I asked you for a meeting yesterday, Don, to tell you that I was pregnant. Apparently I jumped the gun," she said with a sad little smile and paused for a moment. "When Elliot and I took that guy down in the alley, I realized that I had to put an end to it. I couldn't risk my child's life anymore. And then I went home… and now I don't have to worry about that anymore," she said quietly and her chin dropped to her chest. She struggled with herself, trying not to cry. "Since I had already called the meeting, I figured I should go through with it and tell you anyway." Elliot kept his hand on her shoulder, hoping to give her some of his strength to go along with hers.

"Olivia, if you need some time off," Cragen started but she looked up and shook her head. She wiped her tears away with her hands and tried her best to smile widely.

"No, I don't. If I go home I'll just drive myself crazy thinking about it. I can't do that right now," she said. He nodded.

"Take it easy today, though, alright?" She nodded, knowing that it was the best she could do. "Desk duty for today," he finished.

"Thanks Don," she said and stood up. Fin came around and hugged her quickly before walking back out into the bullpen. Munch smiled and took her into his arms. She smiled back and he kissed her temple quickly and walked out. She nearly broke down again, just because of these men. Her own little family; her brothers, her father. Cragen came around the desk and took her hands in his.

"I'm glad you told us, Olivia." She smiled. "If you need anything, time off or anything, you let me know, alright?" She nodded and he hugged her quickly.

"Thank you," she said softly. Elliot put his hand on her shoulder and she smiled at him quickly before they left the office. Cragen sat down at his desk and sighed. Olivia has been through so much and it just never ends, he thought. He shook his head and grabbed a piece of licorice to chew on as he thought.

-----&-----&-----&-----


End file.
